Parenting

Relationships with partners, family and friends can lead to significant changes after having a baby.

The change from ‘coupling’ to a family of three, or possibly more, can be one of the biggest transitions that you will have to face when you become a parent.

While there are challenges in bringing up a baby — during the first year in particular, some couples grow stronger as they find a new respect for each other as parents and share experiences that bring them closer together. If you are experiencing any relationship problems after having a baby, a couple’s counselor can be one of the most critical things you can do in helping you navigate these new role (s).

Ups and downs in relationships after having a baby

One of the biggest factors leading to tension and issues in relationships after childbirth is lack of sleep. “Researchers tracking the sleep of thousands of men and women as their family size increased have found that shuteye hits a low about three months after birth – with the effect strongest in women.” (The Guardian, 2019). That means, that a lack of sleep can have a huge impact on your day-to-day life and it’s useful to consider options for managing this. For example, when sleep deprivation kicks in, one parent may need to take some time sleeping in another room to catch up. Another parent can take over feedings, diaper changes, etc. Enlisting help is also beneficial and supports mental health.

The Reality

New parents are often short of time too. The hours previously used for socializing, relaxing and domestic tasks can be strongly reduced, and this can change the dynamics of a relationship. When the birthing person feels “touched out” or “tapped out”, they usually carry a lot of resentments towards the other partner.

One partner may also be adjusting to life at home with a baby rather than being at work. So, it can help to communicate with your partner about the new role (s) that you have taken on.

Communication

Open and honest communication is vital in any relationship — and especially for new parents.

If there is strain on your relationship, then here are some quick tips:

· Make time to talk when you’re both feeling calm.

· Listen and try to understand your partner’s perspective.

· Avoid criticism or blame.

Parenting can create unexpected mental health problems, such as depression or anxiety, which can have a big impact on the way that you parent, communicate, and engage with others. If you think that you or your partner is suffering from a mental health problem, supporting one another, and asking for help is vital.

For many parents, the support that grandparents, other relations, friends and even neighbors may offer can be invaluable. Social support can be hugely beneficial to a parent’s emotional wellbeing in the postnatal period so don’t be afraid to ask for or accept help. While we often feel as though ‘we can handle it,’ the reality is that asking for support and help can lessen your resentments towards your partner.

Time together and for yourself

Looking after yourselves as a couple and as individuals is important. It may sound overly simplified, and the reality is that we often do not place ourselves or our relationships first. The truth is that if you are happy, your partner will be happy, and thus so will your new parenting role!

 So here are some tips:

*Make time for yourselves as a couple – this can look like a date night or asking for a sitter so that you can simply talk - uninterrupted

*Take time out for you. That’s right. YOU. That could even look like you going to Target, getting your nails done, or whatever self-care looks like for you.

* Remember that help is available — whether it’s from MontanaTherapyForMoms or your own social and family networks.

It will be a learning curve in the first few weeks and months, but with the right support, you will be able to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Written By: Lital Diament MA LMFT