I Just Want to Run Away
Dear Moms, Your Fantasy of Running Away is Real
Mothers often say that they wish they could run away – if only for an hour, a day, a weekend. The truth is that mothers bear most of the responsibilities – working outside of the home/or inside of the home, hauling children to after-school activities, cooking dinner, scheduling doctor’s appointments, stepping up and stepping in for sick days… and the list goes on.
The statistics are alarming
According to a report by the Working Mother Research, “mothers still do more, even though fathers seem to understand they ought to” (Working Mother Research, 2022). This is alarming if you re-read it. Also, according to another study from researchers at Boston College, “…more than half of fathers believed that caregiving should be a shared responsibility, but only 30% felt childcare was actually divided between parents” (Time, 2016). Unfortunately, the childcare responsibilities fall onto the default parent – mom. So, is it any wonder that mothers fantasize about running away? I suppose that is why in 2011, Forbes reported that 92% of working mothers said that they felt overwhelmed within their home and in the workforce. Sadly, this report found that 62% of these mothers felt as if they were a ‘married single mom.’
There are real differences between primary caregivers
With all the statistics and the reality out there, I am curious as to why mothers haven’t just run away. Right, they still bear the daily tasks and responsibilities of caregiving. However, the impulse to flee is normal and not about abandoning our families. This impulse is more about going somewhere/someplace, just for a few hours even, where the mother’s needs come first. While the worries are still there, the space and the idea to escape also ring true. Sure, if you ask a dad if they have any time off, they will usually respond with a ‘no, not really.’ However (and I often wonder) if a dad goes to work, watches a television show late at night (as mother comforts the child), or goes to some event; does he worry about the child? Does he worry like the mother does?
The Patriarchal Divide
It may be true that we are no longer living in the 1950’s era where dad has asked to fetch his slippers while mom cooks, cleans, and watches the child. Nonetheless, we still live in a patriarchal structure (both institutionally and socially) in which there is that assumption that mother will take the backseat when something happens. Through the continued patriarchal system, mothers continue to hear messages that they need to sacrifice their entire selves – for the sake of the family, of course.
So, what can be done?
The impossible standard of care feeds the cycle of mothers wanting to flee. I say, flee. Go for a walk alone, stop pretending to be a perfect mom (because that does not exist), let go of the resentments and start turning into your own self-worth. Mama, YOU are WORTH it! Spend time with friends and let dad carry the load.
As a mother, a wife, a therapist, and household task-manager; I hear you and am with you.
Written by: Lital Diament MA LMFT and a mother who has thoughts of fleeing too