“NO”vember
“No”vember is a time to practice saying no to things that drain your energy and to say yes to things that fill you up. It's a time to set boundaries and learn to value yourself, your time, and your health.
No is a simple, two-letter word that most of us learn at a young age. However, it seems thatsimple word becomes harder and harder to say as we age and journey through adulthood. Just know that you are not alone if you struggle to say “no” to others, even when you might feel overwhelmed yourself.
There are many reasons why you might feel uncomfortable or even unable to tell others no. You may have been taught at a young age that not helping others is rude or even selfish. Guilt is also a big factor in one’s ability to tell others no. You may think they’ve helped you in the past, so you have to say yes. You may consider yourself a people-pleaser and constantly put others’ needs before your own. You may feel pressure to live up to the expectations of your family, friends, or coworkers, or even a fear of missing out on opportunities if you do not say yes.
Whatever the reason that you’ve found yourself unable to say no to others, it is never too late to earn how. Learning to say no to people when you are at your maximum capacity, or even when you just do not want to do something, can help you to reduce stress, resentment, anxiety, and provide a overall better quality of life.
So how do you say no?
Boundary setting is an important part of setting standards for yourself and others regarding your time, availability, and how you expect to be treated. While you may recognize the importance of setting these standards, you may still struggle to find a way to say no without hurting people’s feelings, feeling guilty, or feeling as though they have been let down. Remember that you are establishing a boundary expressing your value and needs, so you should always:
Be firm- you can be polite while showing you will not change your mind or be swayed. You do not need to be defensive or overly apologetic, but state that you cannot help them at this time.
Be clear- if you leave an opportunity where someone feels that you will say yes later, hey will be more disappointed or even pushy towards you when the time comes for the subject to be readdressed. By clearly stating your boundary, the person asking for help will understand you are saying no without confusion.
Skip excuses- you do not owe anyone an explanation why you are saying no, so do not give them reasons they can try to find an opening in to manipulate you into saying yes. Simple statements such as “this does not fit into my schedule”, “I do not have time to assist you with that”, or simply “no, I am sorry I cannot do that” are explanations reasonable people should accept.
Helpful Phrases:
If you are looking for ways to say no, below are some helpful phrases:
“I am too busy today. Maybe I can help you next time.”- only use this if you genuinely want to help out at another time or give them a time or day you would be available to assist.
“I’m feeling overwhelmed with work right now, I’m sorry but I cannot help you.”
“I’m not qualified to help you with that project.”- you could also offer to connect them with a qualified individual if you know of someone and that isn’t adding to your workload.
“That sounds really fun, but I won’t be able to make it.”
“No, I have a previous commitment.”
“I just do not have the time.”
“I do not have the bandwidth to assist you with that.”
“I have a firm rule to never do business with friends/family.”
“I’m already committed during that time and would be breaking a promise if I didn’t honor it.”
Remember, if you say no and the person is still being pushy, they are being rude and not respecting your boundary. In these instances, you may need to be firmer and state something like:
“I am sorry, but I already told you I can’t.”
“I’ve already given you my answer.”
“I’m sorry, but my answer isn’t changing.”
“You keep asking, but my answer won’t change.”
You may need to change the subject or walk away, but do not give into their pressure.
Boundary setting may be hard at first, but remember, just like any other skill it takes practice and consistency. The more you are able to set your standards, the more you will be able to protect your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
This article is written by:
Audrey Blake, Pre-Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
Supervised by: Lital Diament, MA LMFT #56973