Healing the Wounded Mother

The Mother Wound

 The Mother Wound is an attachment trauma that creates a sense of devastation, confusion, and abandonment in the child’s psyche. Simply put, the mother wound is the pain, trauma, trauma inherited by a mother and her children, that daughters end up taking on. This wound can create a sense of emotional pain that then translates to not being or feeling emotionally attuned to their children.

Mothers are so vital to our well-being. They mold us – often physically in the womb (though there are many other types of mother-child relationships, including adoptive ones) and emotionally through their daily interactions with us. The bond is incredibly powerful and essential to how we raise our own children. In fact, British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott believed that “there’s no such thing as an infant, but only an infant and their mother” (Nursery World, 2022). In fact, Winnicott believed that a child’s sense of self is built by the kind of relationship that they have with their primary caregiver (s) – most often, a mom.

Who typically experiences the mother wound?

When a mother (or a primary caregiver) is not emotionally available or has not yet tended to their own ‘mothering wounds,’ children often lack support, security, and attachment. Children that have not been given the opportunity for a primary caregiver to mirror empathy tend to have difficulty in managing their own emotions.

When we are unable to provide permission to our children that it is permitted to have and express all types of emotions (even the negative ones); we do not provide the safety that the child needs to express themselves. This lack of empathy can drive a child to neglect their own personal needs.

 Another example is when we unconsciously are parentified or do this to our child. This word is often seen when parents assume or expect that their child will be able to support both their physical and emotional needs. This can look as simple as taking care of the parents’ other children due to unavailability because of working or simply lacking any interest in taking care of their other children. This does not suggest that a working parent, a single working parent will instill the mother wound. It merely suggests that if we put our needs ahead of our children’s needs then our children will suffer the consequences. Think of the parent who is constantly on their phone ‘shushing’ their child because of an important phone call, or even - a parent that does not want to part-take in simple play because they are too tired to do so.

Steps for Healing the Mother Wound

 While there is not one step that fits all, it is important to first acknowledge feelings that both you and your children have. Start by recognizing that forgiveness is possible – even if only temporarily to heal your child. Whilst these are not simple steps, they are a place to get started:

1.     Express your emotions and pains

2.     Start by loving yourself

3.     Develop self-awareness by getting in touch with your own emotions

4.     If need be, re-parent yourself – think about what you lacked as a child and create that environment for yourself

We, as parents, can make different choices to avoid the ‘mother wound.’ We can choose differently and create a healing journey that will not be passed down to our own children. While challenging, it is also empowering to offer yourself this gift because the truth is that you are offering your child/children the same gift.

Just know that you are not alone in this. Here at MTFMs, the ‘mothering-approach’ can aid you in healing your own wound(s)

Written and Posted By: Lital Diament MA LMFT and a mother